I’ve been in hiding.

I admit it.

I’ve been shoving myself headlong into activities that keep my busy, and exhausted.

Still I always feel
This strange estrangement
Nothing here is real, nothing here is right*

“Wow! Aren’t you Supermom?”

Well, not really. It just keeps me occupied.

Just hoping no one knows
That I’ve been*

But really, I don’t have this kind of energy. To run to all these practices and game and meetings. To keep up with the chores. The volunteer events. To make meals. The group photos for people. Bringing snacks and handing out sports drinks. To pack lunches. The doctor’s appointments.

Going through the motions
Walking through the part

I have drawn it from somewhere. But I don’t always have somewhere from which to draw it. I feel like I have had to, though. Because if I didn’t I would have to think about the things that roll around in my mind.

And I just don’t want to do that.

I was always brave
And kind of righteous
Now I find I’m wavering*

It isn’t a pity party, or a call for anyone to feel sorry for me. I can’t even say it is a moment of clarity where I realize the err of my ways and that I will stop this silliness and start taking better care of myself. It’s a little late for that now that events are in full swing and people are counting on me to keep going somehow.

It’s my coping mechanism… however good or bad it may be. We all have them. Mine may just lead to more crashes, a slightly elevated pain med use (which is still well below my prescribed allowance), and periodic bouts of me crying into my pillow at night because I am too exhausted and in too much pain to sleep.

Will I stay this way forever?
Sleepwalk through my life’s endeavor?*

So I keep going through the motions.

Eventually I have to pay that proverbial piper (that jerk), but it keeps me going, in a sense, for now.

I don’t want to be…

Going through the motions

*“Going Through the Motions”, “From Once More With Feeling”, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season 6