On the other hand, I suffer from a genetic disability that has made much of my life very, very difficult. It’s painful both mentally and physically ALL THE TIME, and many of my dreams have been stripped from me. I’ve discovered recently that pregnancy would not be wise for me as I could get very sick or die (or the baby could) but honestly, I wouldn’t do it even if I could. I have already asked my doctor dozens of times for sterilization options. I can’t let a mistake put another child in the position I have been in all my life. I will never, ever willingly make another person go through what I have gone through. Maybe I’ll adopt one day if I progress to the point where I can properly take care of myself (my ability to take care of a child absolutely MUST come before my desire for one) and another person, but that day is not today, nor is it likely to be in my near future.

I feel awkward saying ‘everyone should be able to have a children, but I think it would be morally wrong and also selfish for me to have one’ because what is that really saying? I don’t know. All I know is how often I truly wished my mother had just adopted instead of having me. No child should ever think that…

Yes yes yes. I think this might ultimately be the most insulting part of the whole, “Of COURSE you can’t have kids!” thing, especially for couples that don’t want to have kids. “Of COURSE you don’t want to bring a child into this world with crippling scoliosis” is really, really close to “You have crippling scoliosis and shouldn’t have been born.”

In any case, it amazes me just how many people seem to think my reproductive status is somehow their business. Several years ago (when I was in my mid-20s) a co-worker said something to me like “you’d better have kids soon, if you wait too long they’re going to come out deformed!” It wasn’t until later on that the utter bizarritude of that statement really hit me…not just the assumption that it was okay to tell me what I ought to be doing with my uterus and when, but the ableism and ageism.

And then at the same time, I’ve noticed that as soon as someone finds out you’re disabled in some way (I’m on the autistic spectrum and also have a history of thyroid issues and hypermobility), they act like you’re doing some great noble thing by not reproducing. Just…ugh. It’s like no matter what I’m going to get condescending lectures from someone!

Now I’m struggling to get that poisonous experience and the poisonous words out of my head. I keep thinking to myself that maybe I do want kids, but their arguments keep ringing in my head. It haunts me as I try to fight it and sometimes I feel like there’s no hope in defeating the thoughts.

Thank you for posting this. It might help me defeat those inner demons that are left over from the past.

The fact that people’s BABY BABY BABY gets stopped cold as soon as the reason (25 to 50% chance of schizophrenia, at least according to what I read about it as a teenie) is mentioned drives me up the wall. Because it’s never ‘oh, fair enough’ in a ‘you’ve thought about it and made a personal choice’ way, it’s always in a ‘well OBVIOUSLY, because ooga booga booga I watch too much TV’, accompanied with the assumption that diagnosis = flat no, which is very much not the case. Shut up, crap people, my nanna did better job than most people who didn’t have auditory and/or visual hallucinations every day, so clearly that wasn’t an issue for her. The fact I want to avoid having a tiny human in my care in the early stages if I can doesn’t mean that it can’t be done, it just means I don’t want to. Because I’m SELFISH >:(

Also, seconding the ‘please universe, if I have children let them be ASD’. Mostly because that the idea of my child giving me that look because I took something literally or forgot to look their friends’ parents in the eye would be so much worse than getting it from strangers, or even partners. I’m unlikely to have kids anyway, but still.

Sorry if this is tl;dr. I JUST HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS, OKAY

I believe that parents or potential parents who have disabilities are pretty well aware of their own abilities, their own strengths and weaknesses, and I trust them to make thoughtful choices. I believe that parents or potential parents who don’t have disabilities are also pretty well aware of their own abilities, strengths, and weaknesses, and I trust them to make thoughtful choices. I trust people to make thoughtful choices, even when they’re young, poor, or pregnant, and even when their choices are not the choices I would make for myself or my family.

And I believe that as a society, we need to be better at looking out for each other so that when parents, families, and people do find themselves struggling with the choices they’ve made, they have easy access to the support and help they need.

I am from a family that flat out lacks members without disability or chronic illness. Well okay maybe a couple. It insults my whole extended family to act like we shouldn’t have existed, selfish of us to reproduce, etc. Reminds me of the eugenic fit family contests.

I have been told I shouldn’t reproduce because there might be more like me (WTF) or because I am supposedly too severely disabled to raise a child (er, no). I bet lots of people are relieved to hear I medically wouldn’t survive pregnancy and seem to have spontaneously quit menstruating. (Then I won’t make more of me, the horror!)

If people don’t realize how offensive this is… I have no words.

Of course, there are many issues with ableism and adoption, such as children with disabilities be on separate listings and costing less to adopt. My parents got a discount on me becuase I was a black girl who they thought would have intellectual disabilities.