Sometimes I wish that people who think migraines are not serious would get one of the days-long migraines that I used to get before my medication combo (that I of course “don’t need” and could easily replace with a gluten-free diet!).

Lately they’ve been problematic on the food front since I have so many dietary restrictions that have only recently come into play (last year) that none of my family adequately know how to adhere to. Bless my mother, she tries, but there’s just too much to keep track of and I wind up getting a reaction anyway. The most recent holiday(ish)/social gathering I’ve gone to, since the host is lactose intolerant and knows about my restrictions, had tape and a sharpie floating around to mark what food was safe for me so I knew. That was awesome. Though I still got a reaction, not sure from what (maybe the alcohol?). I’m considering eating prior to going and keeping the quantities of anything I eat at gatherings to a minimum to help avoid such complications. More for other people to enjoy anyway.

In the past I had problems with the socializing aspect because of my fear of people and general anxiety, none of which my family understood. My parents used to get on my case about how I’m not connecting with any of my extended family when we visit them and that I’m “not trying”. After the reason why became “officially” clear, my mom started getting it. When I was attending the family Christmas gathering last year, she told me that if I needed to step out and take a break or if I had to leave early (I drove myself there just in case), she understood and would explain to the rest of my family for me. That was a big deal to me after the conflict we used to have over the issue.

Usually in such environments I have to scope the area first and find an isolated quiet place that I could retreat to if necessary, or if I’m having difficulties with that, having someone look around for me. Then when sound was becoming too much for me or I was getting anxious, I would spend some time separated from the crowd and nonsense to give myself a chance to relax again. Sometimes I would bring music or my portable gaming systems (another reason why people thought I wasn’t trying to connect to anyone) to help distract myself from any background sounds that would make themselves painfully obvious to me. And then if I started to calm down, mingle back into the mix. If not, find a way to excuse myself and head home.

Either way though, I need social gatherings and events to be small. If they have too many people, I’m liable to go into a panic attack and that would be a mess. If there’s a bunch of people I don’t know or I feel like there’ll be too many people there, I just don’t go. I find something to politely decline the invitation with.

If it was just me at these things, I would be able to deal with the inevitable sensory overload. I’m old enough to have strategies to deal with them, like leaving the room, putting earphones in, reading a book et cetera. The problem is my family. They just don’t get it, particularly mum.

don’t get me wrong (why yes, I am incredibly bitter, why do you ask?) she is fine if I leave the room for a few moments and go to be by myself. It’s just when my disability gets in the way of social life. It’s just when I run out of spoons, of energy, of will, of ANYTHING, that she minds. Because that is when it shows*, when people notice that something ‘isn’t right’. Because God forbid that mum admit she has a disabled daughter.

Anecdote: last hogmanay (see first line) we were at a ceilidh (scottish country dance). I always hate the countdown to midnight, because it is SO NOISY but this was particularly noisy, there were so many people. I swear, when midnight chimed, I SAW the noise swell up before it hit me. I know it sounds crazy. Anyway, I started crying, (as any person would do when they felt like a leaf battered by a particularly violent wind) and mum turned round and saw me, and told me to get away from her, to go away. First words I heard after the bells. Thank you so fucking much mother dearest. I love you too.

ANYWAY back on topic, I do love social events and holidays, but preferably on my terms, not anyone elses.

Anyway, on-topic! I will be bringing a book or three so I can hide in it. And my netbook so I can play mahjongg or whatever just get out of the crazy family shit. Unfortunately my grandmother’s house, where our family spends christmas, doesn’t have wifi.

I’m also pretty likely to go hide and nap on the couch in my grandma’s bedroom when I run out of spoons. I had to do that after her 80th birthday party. My family is less than wonderful about accomodations (thanks, mom, for whacking on the pillow I was using to try and block out the light and sound!), but I don’t get complained at TOO much if I go hide. Hell, if it’s not too cold I might go sit in the tree outside. I like trees.

Oh, also, people seem to have started actually letting my cousin sleep when she naps on the couch constantly so they leave me alone about that more too. (I’m guilty of not being wonderful about my cousin. I assume she sleeps all day because she stays up all night because she’s sixteen and she used to stay up all night texting but for all I know she’s started sleeping 18 hours a day with her gall bladder problems. I’m pretty disgusted that her parents didn’t see anything wrong with her saying that she was going to starve herself after thanksgiving to be thinner, though. She *said* starve, straight out, and everyone thought it was just fine. wtf? anyway, tangent >_>)

I know I have pretty serious limits on the amount of time around family I can deal with, but since I can’t drive I can’t just go home when I run out :/ grandma’s is half an hour away. So I’m stuck there until dad decides he wants to go home and drags mum away from whatever she’s doing. So my only escape options are hiding outside or in a back room. And I’m likely to at some point run completely out of spoons before I notice and end up hiding in a closet crying. Again. Because that’s how my family is. Sigh.

I really look forward to moving thousands of miles away from everyone related to me.

More difficult to arrange, always, is the holiday gathering with my three closest friends from high school. All of us have various health issues which make getting together even more complicated than trying to schedule four different people’s time during a busy season. Some years we don’t manage it at all, which makes us very sad. So we work hard at making it happen, but, wow, the stress that comes up as a result sometimes! Last year, three of us ended up in this strange three-way fight where we were all upset with one another about something, and it really did all come down to managing things health-wise and feeling like the others weren’t respecting our needs. It all ended in crying and hugging and love-festing, but GEEZE. We can be dramatic sometimes.

And oh I hate the Salvation Army. It’s mutual so I don’t feel even a little bit guilty about it or walking past the kettles. The people with the bells I’m fine with; it’s the organization I want gone. It’s not like the only choices are SA or not helping people at all.

Mainly, I make far away family / friends feel great by sending thoughtful gifts, which are usually bought in spring / summer, and packed in fall, and shipped by mid-Nov. Cards get done equally ahead of time in case of my body falling apart. Once that’s all done, I feel zero guilt about ignoring all those people during the month of December.

For all of December I concentrate on my kids, my own house, whatever WE want to do. I keep it low key. I’ve conditioned friends to understand that if they want to see us, they come us our house for an hour or two of cookies / socializing. That’s all I can take physically, that’s all my older son can take (Asperger’s). Luckily most of my friends are introverts as don’t want more socializing than I do anyway. So it works out.

I still have nightmares though that somehow I’m back in the midwest with the in-laws / my family, and we are forced to go through a nasty holiday meal with pointed comments, stress and no place to sit down. :::::shudder:::::

(((hugs))) to all who have to endure less than relaxing holidays! Midwinter is a time for new beginnings, a time to recharge, not a time to be sucked dry