Comments on: I Hope You Feel Better http://disabledfeminists.com/2009/12/08/i-hope-you-feel-better/ FWD (feminists with disabilities) for a way forward Thu, 30 Dec 2010 17:29:21 +0000 hourly 1 By: KatieT http://disabledfeminists.com/2009/12/08/i-hope-you-feel-better/#comment-4596 KatieT Fri, 11 Dec 2009 20:43:53 +0000 http://disabledfeminists.com/?p=1890#comment-4596 Thanks for this. I also dislike the "getting/feeling better" thing. One thing I really like is "I have no idea what this is like for you, please let me know if there is anything I can do to help." (When it is true, obviously). One of my issues I had with a(non pwd) friend is that she would treat my chronic illness like a cold or something that I would get over and I really needed an acknowledgment that this was different that anything she had experienced. I also love the offer of assistance as it turns vague concern into a concrete offer of assistance. Thanks for this. I also dislike the “getting/feeling better” thing.

One thing I really like is “I have no idea what this is like for you, please let me know if there is anything I can do to help.” (When it is true, obviously). One of my issues I had with a(non pwd) friend is that she would treat my chronic illness like a cold or something that I would get over and I really needed an acknowledgment that this was different that anything she had experienced. I also love the offer of assistance as it turns vague concern into a concrete offer of assistance.

]]> By: Amy http://disabledfeminists.com/2009/12/08/i-hope-you-feel-better/#comment-4571 Amy Fri, 11 Dec 2009 12:12:15 +0000 http://disabledfeminists.com/?p=1890#comment-4571 See, I'm completely different in a strangely similar way: I have a chronic illness, and I like hearing "I hope you feel better soon" --- since my illness waxes and wanes, I appreciate the knowledge from my circle that I will feel better in days/weeks/months, and although it is a temporary feel-better, at least I get that. I'm completely atheist, but the idea of feel-good vibes appeals to me. *shrug* Reading some of these responses perhaps highlighted to me that I didn't hear "feel better" at all in real life (my high school acquaintances have rather drifted from me upon learning that I can't do everything), and I'm, again, appreciative of the caring my online friends display. See, I’m completely different in a strangely similar way: I have a chronic illness, and I like hearing “I hope you feel better soon” — since my illness waxes and wanes, I appreciate the knowledge from my circle that I will feel better in days/weeks/months, and although it is a temporary feel-better, at least I get that. I’m completely atheist, but the idea of feel-good vibes appeals to me.

*shrug*

Reading some of these responses perhaps highlighted to me that I didn’t hear “feel better” at all in real life (my high school acquaintances have rather drifted from me upon learning that I can’t do everything), and I’m, again, appreciative of the caring my online friends display.

]]> By: Samanthab http://disabledfeminists.com/2009/12/08/i-hope-you-feel-better/#comment-4509 Samanthab Wed, 09 Dec 2009 20:05:42 +0000 http://disabledfeminists.com/?p=1890#comment-4509 This crap is directly up the alley of Barbara Ehrenreich's new book, "Bright-sided: How the Relentless Promotion of Positive Thinking Has Undermined America" Link: http://www.barbaraehrenreich.com/brightsided.htm It's a mode of thinking that's destructive not just to the person hearing it but also to the person perpetuating it. It's not just that it's a failure of empathy(although I'm certainly not discounting that un-small aspect,)but, in the larger picture, it's a massive failure to understand that wishing it so ain't actually enough. Life isn't "The Secret," and demanding unrelenting "hope" from anyone- yourself, a stranger, a friend- is fucking toxic as hell. This crap is directly up the alley of Barbara Ehrenreich’s new book, “Bright-sided: How the Relentless Promotion of Positive Thinking Has Undermined America” Link: http://www.barbaraehrenreich.com/brightsided.htm
It’s a mode of thinking that’s destructive not just to the person hearing it but also to the person perpetuating it. It’s not just that it’s a failure of empathy(although I’m certainly not discounting that un-small aspect,)but, in the larger picture, it’s a massive failure to understand that wishing it so ain’t actually enough. Life isn’t “The Secret,” and demanding unrelenting “hope” from anyone- yourself, a stranger, a friend- is fucking toxic as hell.

]]> By: Kiri http://disabledfeminists.com/2009/12/08/i-hope-you-feel-better/#comment-4508 Kiri Wed, 09 Dec 2009 18:42:02 +0000 http://disabledfeminists.com/?p=1890#comment-4508 This hit me right where I live, in both senses. I'm disabled too, so I know how irritating it is to hear it, but at the same time... saying it is reflexive, and training it out of myself is proving way harder than it should be under the circumstances. I really like your suggested alternative, and I will start using it myself as well as suggesting it to others. Thank you. This hit me right where I live, in both senses. I’m disabled too, so I know how irritating it is to hear it, but at the same time… saying it is reflexive, and training it out of myself is proving way harder than it should be under the circumstances. I really like your suggested alternative, and I will start using it myself as well as suggesting it to others. Thank you.

]]> By: Shiyiya http://disabledfeminists.com/2009/12/08/i-hope-you-feel-better/#comment-4484 Shiyiya Wed, 09 Dec 2009 04:43:13 +0000 http://disabledfeminists.com/?p=1890#comment-4484 Pretty sure I've been guilty of "hope you feel better soon". Others have been more eloquent than I probably can be at the moment about the intended sentiment behind it - just "this is someone who I care about, they are hurting, I wish they were not hurting, or at least hurting less". Is "I hope things get easier soon" better or worse? Pretty sure I’ve been guilty of “hope you feel better soon”. Others have been more eloquent than I probably can be at the moment about the intended sentiment behind it – just “this is someone who I care about, they are hurting, I wish they were not hurting, or at least hurting less”.

Is “I hope things get easier soon” better or worse?

]]> By: Rosemary http://disabledfeminists.com/2009/12/08/i-hope-you-feel-better/#comment-4479 Rosemary Wed, 09 Dec 2009 03:49:53 +0000 http://disabledfeminists.com/?p=1890#comment-4479 I'm a fan of the "damn, that sucks" response myself. But it sounds callous to some people, so I try to be careful how I use it and to who (whom??). My bestest friend (who has many similar disabilities as I do) and I have such different needs in this area. She tends to need lots of sympathy and "oh dear"s and mushy "get betters" and stuff. I tend to need just simple acknowledgment, agreement that it sucks for me right now, and maybe some righteous indignation with the world for allowing it to suck so much. We've learned, over the years, how to give one another what each other needs instead of what we like for ourselves. The day she finally stopped trying to make me feel better when I complained and just agreed with me that it sucked was such a victorious day for me. :) As far as the prayer bit, I take the "I'm praying for you" in the same line as "I'm sending good thoughts" or "I'm giving you distance reiki" or whatever that person's particular thing is. I personally figure any good vibes sent out into the universe on my behalf certainly can't hurt, and if they happen to help, then I'll take the extra help! But I can see where that might be frustrating to some people. From the people in my life who say it, it's cool, and I like when people check in especially "is it okay if I pray for you?" - for example. But, yea, when it's along the lines of "I'm putting you in my church's prayer chain so that God can heal you" - it can make me uncomfortable. I agree with lauren that context is a big part of it. Like, my brother whose spirituality is shamanistic in nature recently told me that he's working on fixing me, and I gatta say, I don't like that. I told him that's not the kind of help I want from my brother. OTOH, I can tell that it's important to him to keep trying, so it's hard to be angry with him for basically doing what makes sense to him to do to help me. Although, it will certainly be another victorious day if I can get him to just acknowledge my pain and nod his head sagely and go "damn, that sucks." I’m a fan of the “damn, that sucks” response myself. But it sounds callous to some people, so I try to be careful how I use it and to who (whom??).

My bestest friend (who has many similar disabilities as I do) and I have such different needs in this area. She tends to need lots of sympathy and “oh dear”s and mushy “get betters” and stuff. I tend to need just simple acknowledgment, agreement that it sucks for me right now, and maybe some righteous indignation with the world for allowing it to suck so much. We’ve learned, over the years, how to give one another what each other needs instead of what we like for ourselves. The day she finally stopped trying to make me feel better when I complained and just agreed with me that it sucked was such a victorious day for me. :)

As far as the prayer bit, I take the “I’m praying for you” in the same line as “I’m sending good thoughts” or “I’m giving you distance reiki” or whatever that person’s particular thing is. I personally figure any good vibes sent out into the universe on my behalf certainly can’t hurt, and if they happen to help, then I’ll take the extra help! But I can see where that might be frustrating to some people. From the people in my life who say it, it’s cool, and I like when people check in especially “is it okay if I pray for you?” – for example. But, yea, when it’s along the lines of “I’m putting you in my church’s prayer chain so that God can heal you” – it can make me uncomfortable. I agree with lauren that context is a big part of it.

Like, my brother whose spirituality is shamanistic in nature recently told me that he’s working on fixing me, and I gatta say, I don’t like that. I told him that’s not the kind of help I want from my brother. OTOH, I can tell that it’s important to him to keep trying, so it’s hard to be angry with him for basically doing what makes sense to him to do to help me. Although, it will certainly be another victorious day if I can get him to just acknowledge my pain and nod his head sagely and go “damn, that sucks.”

]]> By: Ms. M http://disabledfeminists.com/2009/12/08/i-hope-you-feel-better/#comment-4476 Ms. M Wed, 09 Dec 2009 01:45:14 +0000 http://disabledfeminists.com/?p=1890#comment-4476 I don't mind "I hope you feel better soon" because most people who say that to me understand that if I say something, I'm feeling worse than "normal" for me. So they are really saying "I hope you get back to where you were". What I can't stand is "I hope you get better" which to me sounds the same as "why are you STILL miserable?" I know there is little difference. Each PWD is set off by some version of these statements. I think we can all agree that clueless comments are exacerbating :) I don’t mind “I hope you feel better soon” because most people who say that to me understand that if I say something, I’m feeling worse than “normal” for me. So they are really saying “I hope you get back to where you were”.

What I can’t stand is “I hope you get better” which to me sounds the same as “why are you STILL miserable?”

I know there is little difference. Each PWD is set off by some version of these statements. I think we can all agree that clueless comments are exacerbating :)

]]> By: lauren http://disabledfeminists.com/2009/12/08/i-hope-you-feel-better/#comment-4464 lauren Tue, 08 Dec 2009 23:44:32 +0000 http://disabledfeminists.com/?p=1890#comment-4464 Context is definitely important, I think. If I have told someone that my depression is particularly bad, then "I hope you get better" is ok. And if my grandma want's to pray for things to get better for me, then I am ok with that because I know how important her faith is to her, but that she is also aware of and ok with the fact that I am agnostic at most and wouldn't try to convert me. So basically, when it's people I know who say something about a concrete set of circumstances hopefully changing for the better. Likewise, I do not wish my cousin to "get healthy and stop being schizophrenic", but when he tells me that things are especially tough, I do hope for him to have a better day/week/time soon. What I don't get is how complete strangers or people who know next to nothing about you could decide that you need to get "better". What if what they are seeing is actually a PWD having a really good day, and they proceed to tell that that apparently, having a good day by PWD-standarts isn't enough, because you still aught to get "better"? People need to mind their own buisness sometimes. Context is definitely important, I think.
If I have told someone that my depression is particularly bad, then “I hope you get better” is ok. And if my grandma want’s to pray for things to get better for me, then I am ok with that because I know how important her faith is to her, but that she is also aware of and ok with the fact that I am agnostic at most and wouldn’t try to convert me. So basically, when it’s people I know who say something about a concrete set of circumstances hopefully changing for the better.

Likewise, I do not wish my cousin to “get healthy and stop being schizophrenic”, but when he tells me that things are especially tough, I do hope for him to have a better day/week/time soon.

What I don’t get is how complete strangers or people who know next to nothing about you could decide that you need to get “better”. What if what they are seeing is actually a PWD having a really good day, and they proceed to tell that that apparently, having a good day by PWD-standarts isn’t enough, because you still aught to get “better”?

People need to mind their own buisness sometimes.

]]> By: codeman38 http://disabledfeminists.com/2009/12/08/i-hope-you-feel-better/#comment-4461 codeman38 Tue, 08 Dec 2009 21:42:40 +0000 http://disabledfeminists.com/?p=1890#comment-4461 @TheNerd: Could you summarize the gist of that video, since it's just a person talking at the camera and there's no transcript or captions? @TheNerd: Could you summarize the gist of that video, since it’s just a person talking at the camera and there’s no transcript or captions?

]]> By: Naamah http://disabledfeminists.com/2009/12/08/i-hope-you-feel-better/#comment-4459 Naamah Tue, 08 Dec 2009 20:45:53 +0000 http://disabledfeminists.com/?p=1890#comment-4459 This is one of those that doesn't bother me to hear it all that often (sometimes it really, really does, no lie), but which I try to avoid using myself, and I need to try at that harder to make sure people understand that by "better" I mean "better than you do right now," not "all better and symptom-free." Thank you for the reminder. Wonderful post. This is one of those that doesn’t bother me to hear it all that often (sometimes it really, really does, no lie), but which I try to avoid using myself, and I need to try at that harder to make sure people understand that by “better” I mean “better than you do right now,” not “all better and symptom-free.” Thank you for the reminder. Wonderful post.

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