Comments on: Dear Imprudence: Getting It Right

By: Kali

Kali — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 02:19:31 +0000

As I recall, Miss Conduct tends to do well on a lot of fronts, including disability and fat awareness.

The core of her message seems to be that oh-so-simple thing we all ask for: treating people as PEOPLE, with respect and decency. It’s really a pity that more advice columnists don’t use that as their foundational principle.
~Kali
http://www.brilliantmindbrokenbody.wordpress.com

By: Kaitlyn

Kaitlyn — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 00:05:01 +0000

Jesse the K – I know it’s not up to you to tell somebody your abilities, but I don’t know if someone in a wheelchair can walk up a couple steps or not, unless we’ve been friends so long that we’re comfortable kvetching about our health problems together.

I think if I had an event in a place without decent handicapped access, I would put that information on everyone’s invites. “BTW – there are a few steps, we have X number of benches, please call if you have any questions.”

As for my house, I guess I wouldn’t assume someone who used a wheelchair couldn’t walk and say, “Do you want to meet at my place or yours? My house probably isn’t wheelchair friendly.” That way they could tell me what they can do if they want or ask what is wrong with the house. (Not a hole in the wall! We fixed that one!)

By: meloukhia

meloukhia — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 00:02:29 +0000

Yes, this, Jesse the K. People have sort of stopped inviting me to things because I usually say no, so they assume I will always say no, and it makes me very sad. Because sometimes I might say yes! Or I might say “yes, if X or Y can happen.” It’s unconscious exclusion and it’s not meant to be hurtful, but it creates social isolation.

By: Jesse the K

Jesse the K — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 23:35:13 +0000

Along similar lines, those of us whose impairments vary can sometimes lose social contacts because others are “taking care” of our access needs without understanding them.

There have been people who’ve hesitated to invite me over because their house has stairs. Yes, I use a power wheelchair, but I can also walk: if I’m welcome, let me know, and I’ll decide based on my capabilities on that day.

By: Frankincensy

Frankincensy — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 11:55:51 +0000

Kerry – I had wondered about that as well, as whilst it depends very much on the event and this would never happen at a family occasion, it’s not uncommon for one of my parents to receive an invitation for them alone. That said, from the letter-writer’s feelings about hir father being excluded, it sounds as if an invitation for just one parent was inappropriate here, and in that case the advice is spot on.

By: Caitlin

Caitlin — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 11:27:51 +0000

That’s excellent advice for an awful thing, IMTABO. I can’t understand why you wouldn’t invite both halves of the couple to an event/function that is welcoming both halves of other couples. It’s very rude and extremely demeaning for the person being ignored, I think.

(Of course, another extreme is like what happened to my grandmother when I was living with her – someone called to talk to my grandfather, wouldn’t talk to her, and then was more than a little flustered when she informed him (the caller) that her husband had been dead for twenty years, so if he wanted to talk to the “head of the household” he would have to talk to her. /off-topic)
.-= Caitlin´s last blog ..Srs post is srs =-.

By: Dogged

Dogged — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 11:00:04 +0000

What are these people thinking (the ones issuing the invitations)? Assuming it’s an event couples would normally attend together, the only reason you’d stop inviting one partner was if they’d split up (and maybe not even then if you were friends with both) or if they’d died. So leaving the disabled partner off the invitation is basically treating them as if they’re dead. And if that isn’t rude I don’t know what is.

The advice was awesome – I hope the mother takes it up.

By: The White Lady

The White Lady — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 10:23:12 +0000

I forgot to add – it’s considered polite to do this, which just makes the behaviour of these people even stranger and more rude to me. Of course, this could just be a cultural issue.

By: The White Lady

The White Lady — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 10:21:42 +0000

@ kerry – I don’t know where you live, but in scotland, if you are inviting someone to a function (such as dinner/a concert/a ceilidh – obvious things such as a girls’ night out are excepted) then you extend the invitation to their significant other.

Rock on, Miss Manners.

By: Anna

Anna — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 01:05:00 +0000

Don’t freak out, Kerry. Everyone’s different about what they want/need for themselves and their relationship.

But the context of the letter is that it’s bothering both the letter writer and hir mother that hir father isn’t getting included in invitations, and “function” has an implication of formal function, such as maybe a wedding or a dinner party.