Comments on: I’d Rather Be Dead

By: Caitlin

Caitlin — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 10:10:24 +0000

That’s never been a view I’ve understood at all. I don’t know if it’s because I knew from a very young age people with disabilities who obviously enjoyed life or what (though I’m not going to make the claim that it’s a US/Canada cultural thing because I don’t think it is), it’s just never made sense to me. There are a very few things that I think I’d rather be dead than experience (for example, having to spend the rest of my life in complete and total sensory deprivation with no reprieve ever, which is more than highly unlikely) but I’d certainly rather live with any disability I can think of or have seen talked about than be dead.
.-= Caitlin´s last blog ..Srs post is srs =-.

By: kaninchenzero

kaninchenzero — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 08:18:04 +0000

Nope, that rather neatly sums up the issues at hand, Caitlyn. The neuro/physiotypical view is that our lives aren’t worth living. It’s not challenged. It’s reinforced by all the tragedy/charity model crap around disability in the US — they make money off us being seen as tragedy. (And yes, other Kaitlyn, it does get said to people on the autism spectrum also though the context changes. There it’s presented as ‘we have to rewire your brain so it’ll work like everybody else’s!’ I like my brain most of the time thank you and do not want anyone mucking about in it with knives and clips and cautery tools it would be very, very unwelcome.

By: Caitlin

Caitlin — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 07:45:14 +0000

You’re welcome, kachinenzero. I’m pretty sure this is “actually something going on”, though, and not just you. I’m TAB, so please correct me if my next thoughts are problematic/incorrect, but I think the “I’d rather be dead” type of comments are a direct result of the ableism in society, of the portrayal as having a disability as a tragedy or something that denies people with disabilities even the possibility of enjoying life (because obviously people with disabilities are so heartbroken and miserable because of said disabilities, right? /sarcasm).

By: jonquil

jonquil — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 17:00:52 +0000

“You’re so strong. You’re so brave.”

Yes, THIS. THIS. I finally posted a rant on my Livejournal about how I’m not brave, this is just my life. Brave involves choices; I don’t have any. (Collapsing is not an option, even though my friends seem to think it is. What, give up? What would the point be?)

By: Dar

Dar — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 07:09:42 +0000

Yeah, we joke about it as well. My daughter likes to tease, but she always follows up the teasing by doing something incredibly helpful, like fetching me another ice pack or doing the dishes for me.

Of course, as a teenager, she is also capable of lashing out in incredibly hurtful ways. But that is usually followed (fairly quickly) by a sincere apology. And often chocolate. It is amazing how much easier life is when there is chocolate involved.

Now that I think about it, many years ago someone DID ask me “Why?” And, as I recall, I replied that it was “on a reckless whim.”

By: Kaitlyn

Kaitlyn — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 05:22:42 +0000

Dar – but we do joke about choosing our disability/chronic illness. At least my mom and I do.

“Kaitlyn, if you’d just stop being in pain [something]!”

“I’ll get right on it.”

I haven’t thought of choosing it, that should go in the answers to clueless questions. “Why do you do that?” “Because I want to.”

By: Dar

Dar — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 05:08:30 +0000

Thank you for articulating how we keep on keeping on so well. I’ve found that people who have never experienced constant pain are incapable of wrapping their heads around it as a reality.

We don’t live with chronic pain because we chose it. No one wakes up one day and says, “You know what, life is not challenging enough. I think I’ll add large doses of pain to my everyday life, just to spice things up.” We live with it because it’s what we have.

And, you know, what we have is not so bad after all. Pain sucks, but being an insensitive lout would be worse.

By: Kaitlyn

Kaitlyn — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 03:18:18 +0000

Kaninchenzero – “It was small not real important things that kept me from killing myself when I was suicidally depressed too. Not big stuff. The big stuff was all trying to kill me.”

Wordy McWord. Grokked? Er, spot on.

When you’re in that mindset, your family is better off without you, the world is better off without you. It is selfish, but ffs don’t tell me that while I’m bawling because I can’t stop feeling that way! *ahem*

So if it’s selfish, why not focus on what I’ll be missing? The next Jasper Fforde book. 3 Idiots. Whatever masterpiece Johnny Depp does. The new episode of the Simpsons. The new episode of the Colbert Report. And on and on. It’s not rational, so don’t try being rational. Just focus on the tragedy of missing X. By the time X comes around, well I can’t miss Y, better stick around until then.

By: Meg Thornton

Meg Thornton — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 02:30:46 +0000

I’ve woken up some mornings and wanted to be dead. Not “wanted to kill myself” – that’s an entirely different bunny. Just wanted to be dead, so I didn’t have to deal with the little frustrations of living and doing things normal people have no trouble with. For me, it’s a pretty normal side effect of the depression. So even on those mornings, I’ll drag myself out of bed, slouch into the shower, and start the normal morning process of climbing up the evolutionary ladder (most mornings I wake up possibly at about homo erectus level, and it takes at least the shower and an hour’s upright time for me to manage to get to homo sapiens).

Wanting to be dead (because I don’t want to deal with the inconveniences of living at the moment) and wanting to die (because I don’t want to live anymore) are different things. I’m not ready to die – I find life too interesting. Heck, I figure my instinct for survival has to be (if anything) stronger than most other people’s, because if I didn’t want to live so much, I’d be dead already. I sometimes get people reacting to me speaking about living with suicidal feelings in the past (such as the time I was driving back home from the other side of town and every single lamppost and bridge support was a temptation to just accellerate straight into it) as though I’m admitting to being actively suicidal now (I’m not). I think this is part of why I characterise such incidents as having a salesdemon for suicide living in my brain – it makes it clear one of the things I do have when dealing with such impulses is a choice. So far I’ve chosen to say no.

By: Gossamer

Gossamer — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 02:26:44 +0000

Thanks for writing this. Found myself nodding along.

And also, Kaninchenzero, what you said in #14 re: poverty is so right. I got a letter from MHA (metropolitan housing authority) yesterday with the results of my yearly review, and despite a month’s worth of scrambling to get all the proof that what they’ve providing me with now is insufficient, they cut my benefits by $25. Which, literally, had me sobbing and seriously considering taking a drug overdose so this would just stop. Over 25 goddam dollars.

I really, really have nothing I can do about this situation. The American “welfare” system seems to be designed to breed despair. So, pay that $25 to my landlord, or buy a crucial medication? Housing wins. Heh. And they know exactly what this means. I gave them a freaking year’s worth of printouts from pharmacies, hospitals, utilities companies. There is no spare cent. Assholes.

Sorry for the derail.