WORD. SO MUCH WORD. It’s like when people go out of their way to say what a great guy someone is for staying with his partner during an unplanned pregnancy and helping to raise the kid. NO ONE THANKS MOM, THEY JUST ASSUME SHE’S UP FOR THE TASK.

That’s not a hero. That’s a decent person. Is this really more than a person can ask of a partner?

Not to be discarded?

It kills me that nothing else matters.

I absolutely agree with you that feminist ally =/= ally to people with disabilities. I do think that relationships in which gender roles and patriarchal norms are examined are more likely to weather times when those roles are called into question. This study is specifically looking at relationships where the couple’s dynamic is suddenly challenged. I’m not assuming that it only happens to non-feminist women, but I suppose I am assuming that it’s less likely to happen in relationships where gender roles are examined.

This study resonated with me not the least because I have MS. When I got my diagnosis my (then boyfriend, now) husband didn’t leave, I think in part, because (as amandaw so elegantly put it), well, he loves me, but also because there was never an expectation in our relationship that I would, say, be the primary caregiver for our children. I had previously been in relationships with men I got the sense would leave when I was no longer Beauty2k compliant (I wasn’t thinking of disability at the time, more like ageing, or gaining weight) so I left. With my husband, I will cop to feeling like I chose wisely, though I acknowledge there’s luck involved too. Luck and privilege. So I don’t think that a women has the power to prevent it just by choosing wisely. We don’t really choose who we fall in love with anyway, though we do choose who we marry. I will say, if a woman marries a sexist, she can’t be too surprised if he’s unwilling to take on a non-traditional role.

Finally, I was attempting to assume a sisterly tone, but I see that it was just condescending, and rude and patronizing, and I’m sorry.

but finally, i don’t think you know me or my dating habits well enough to “c’mon, abby jean” me. that was patronizing and rude.

“Thank you thank you thank you!”

“Don’t mention it.”

“Thank you thank you thank you!”

“SHUT UP!”

Also, if you’re excessively grateful, it could be seen as “Wow, this is a once-in-a-blue-moon event. He needs positive reinforcement, he must be trained like a puppy.”

also, i find that i have to actively prevent myself from displaying cloying gratitude to my husband for sticking with me and putting up with all of the difficulties. i know he didn’t sign up for being the sole breadwinner. i know he didn’t plan on having a sick wife who can’t do all the things she used to. but i also know that i am doing our relationship no good if i am constantly “giving him cookies” for doing what i would do, and what most women in his situation do.

i want to be appreciative, and i am, but i don’t want to be overly grateful…does that make sense to anyone else?

When I see a hetero monogamous relationship “success story” in which the woman is disabled, 99% of the time the success happened by accident: the guy committed to this specific woman before he began to open up and learn about disability. He opens up and commits to learning and growing and fixing his mistakes BECAUSE he is committed to this specific woman — out of love for her.

That tends to be how it happens (in my experience) — not because they are already good on that measure, and get in a relationship after they become good on that measure. But because they get in a relationship, and for the sake OF the relationship, they work on becoming good on that measure.

My brain is foggy, so I apologize if this is a bit hard to understand. But I want to make clear that just because a guy doesn’t immediately pass over or abandon a woman who is revealed to have a disability doesn’t mean he will therefore never do problematic things in that relationship, or leave that relationship, because of that disability. Because they can, and will.

Cow-hooey.

Why men leave a sick spouse has everything to do with cultural norms and expectations: A man’s virility is measured in part by the hotness of his wife. Sick and dying (or even merely limping) wives are not hot. And nursing is not seen as masculine–just look at gender disparities in the profession. It also has to do with the cultural expectation that the good wife provides nookie, housekeeping services, and cooks, too. Once we become disabled, we are not fulfilling our wifely roles any more, and most people would sympathize with the poor guy’s need to look elsewhere. I think those of us who have steadfast male partners can attest that they are exceptional in every way, but most especially in their security in their manhood.

Similarly, why the women in this study stayed is more likely attributable to the cultural expectation that we be “servant to the species” than to our specific abilities to do so (what, we’ve evolved with a wheel-chair pushing, spoon-feeding gene? That guys don’t have? Gimme a break). How many women do you know who stick it out, despite being terrible at caretaking? Because they made that “rapid commitment” back when they got married, when they vowed “in sickness and in health.” Whereas the woman who leaves is flying in the face of social expectations and will pay the price for not being feminine enough.

I dated several able-bodied guys before I married, abby jean, and developed a theory that it is only these exceptional ones who will date us in the first place, and by the very fact that they will, we now already know what their likely response will be when the going gets tough. The ones who are still all hung up in their sexism/ableism (which in this context are nearly synonymous) won’t give us a second look, which, in my humble opinion, is a Good Thing. Being single and visibly disabled is actually an advantage in that you are not, as it were, buying a pig in a poke. Our men are “pre-disasterized”, whereas able-bodied women who marry won’t know until the hooey hits the fan how their guy will perform.

Yeah, this pretty much sums up my fears regarding relationships too. And how depressing is it that these fears are, apparently, not completely unfounded? :/