As for the discussion… I think in most cases like these, I’d moreso lean towards “What’s up?”, especially with a friend. It’s less accusatory, more informal (and likely to keep things friendlier) and gives room for more general answers. I agree, “What’s your damage?” is definitely ableist, and at very least shutting-down; typically, I think it’s mostly associated with people trying to be ‘edgy’ and cool.

But “what’s your problem” is used, most commonly, in a very dismissive way and it does carry some ableist overtones, at least to my neuroatypical brain. To me it sounds like “there’s obviously a problem with you if you do not think the way I do.” I read “what’s your problem” and “what’s your damage” in the same way. Some of the people upthread do too. Some don’t.

And that’s fine. As we’ve said over and over again, people are not obligated to agree with everything in this series. But it’s helpful when they disagree with something more substantive than “I disagree” and actually articulate the points of their disagreement more thoroughly, because often people find that when they articulate why they feel so resistant, they find out something interesting.

vs

Seeing a friend upset and asking, “Hey, what’s the problem/trouble? What’s going on?”

One is engaging and sympathetic, the other is dismissive and most likely cruel.

But the idea that “what’s your problem” is ableist is, frankly, imo, silly. It might be rude.

But there is an important difference between being rude and being ableist and I don’t think any productive gain can be made from confusing the two.

The instructor *meant* to be encouraging when she said “Come on! You can do this! It’s not like you’re brain-damaged or anything!”

I wish I had handled it better, but I basically said “Actually, I AM brain-damaged, you spandex-clad #$#!”, flipped her the bird, and stomped out of class.

That was almost 17 years ago, and it still stings. And I have never set foot in a gym class since, for fear of the same thing happening. Sigh.
.-= bug_girl´s last blog ..Yay! Wait…oh. =-.

Ah yes, the Full Metal Jacket school of parenting.

“What is wrong with you?”

If there genuinely seems to be something that is upsetting someone, or some kind of disconnect or miscommunication is going on that you can’t put your finger on but someone else is upset, I think “What’s bothering you?” or “What’s the matter?” are both less ableist and less accusatory. Ableism aside, I don’t think people very often say “What’s your problem?” because they’re in a mind to solve anything.